Many years ago I read a very poignant article about the life of an expat. An expat is someone who lives and works in a foreign country. The article was about goers and stayers, and explained that as an expat you are always experiencing people coming in and out of your life. I started to experience this during my second year in Kuwait, and while it is always difficult to say goodbye to people you care about, it just becomes part of your life. By the time I left Kuwait, I had lived there for 5 years and it was incredibly difficult to say goodbye not only to the people, but to a place I had called home for so long. I knew it was the right decision, but still wasn't easy. I would miss this beautiful view:
After I moved to Lebanon, the excitement of being in a new place washed away all of my feelings of missing my friends in Kuwait. During my time while living in Lebanon I stumbled across an article about reverse culture shock. If you are wondering what this is, it is when you move back home after living abroad and basically you have a hard time settling back into life at home. This can occur for various reasons, and every person is different. Some settle back in home easier, while some can struggle for years. I am the type of person who said "this won't happen to me, I've only been away for seven years." Well as the summers passed over the last seven years I started to notice a change in how I felt as each year passed when I would return for summer vacation. It wasn't any big revelation or big event that happened, but over the past couple of years I started to feel more and more out of place.
Summer 2020 was probably when this hit me the hardest, and is still affecting me today. As you know from my previous post, at the end of July I made the sudden and difficult decision to return home. I had no idea when I left on July 10th, that I would not return to Beirut. Some of my friends had already left, and some were in the process of leaving, I had no idea that I would not get a chance to say goodbye to some of the people I had grown close to. It is has been so hard dealing with this and settling back into normal life in NH. I am feeling lost, confused and out of place.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I am loving spending time with my family. Living abroad, I sacrificed so much time with my family, so being home has been a blessing. But I am feeling a bit lost to be honest, and quite lonely. I feel like that I am a foreigner in my own country, and I feel like I don't belong. This has been something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while, but I have not been really able to express it. It is has taken me some time to understand what I am feeling, and to admit it to myself.
The first few weeks were so fast paced with everything being new that I didn't have time to really realize what was going on, but now that things have settled I have started to really understand these feelings. I put on a brave face and smile, but deep down I am struggling and having a really hard time. I am lost.
One of the hardest things is that aside from friends who lived and worked abroad, no one really understands what I am going through, and that's ok. They don't understand how it feels to loose your sense of belonging, in a place that was your home for 28 years. It is an incredibly lonely feeling. Most weekends I spend alone doing my own thing, running errands or going to the movies by myself. Most of you are thinking, why not spend time with your husband? Well he is stuck in Germany until his visa is approved which is looking like it will take around 15 months minimum. I also don't want you to think that I don't go out with friends, I do, but it is not as often as I would like. You might be thinking why not invite someone to go out and grab dinner or see a movie? I do and I have seen some friends, but I don't want to be the one who always is doing the inviting. I want someone to reach out to me for a change and ask me to get together.
I am not asking for a pity party, I just want others experiencing these feelings to understand that you are not alone. There are so many of us struggling to settle back in home, and it's ok and it's normal. Things will get better, and you will be stronger for it. It's also important to me for those who have friends who have lived abroad for them to understand what your friend might be going through and to reach out to them and check on them, or invite them out. The longer your friends have lived abroad the more difficult it can be for them, so again please check on them. A message or an invite out can go a long way.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for another post soon.
